followup

I've recently gotten a number of search engine hits from people looking for political blogs about Singapore. They ended up here because of a single flippant comment I made drawing an analogy between Dubai and Singapore. That post was about Dubai and the ports deal, not Singapore, and the analogy was supposed to be unflattering.

The number of hits I got made me a little curious. It turns out that there's an election coming up later this year, and even though it's not expected to be a fair election by international standards, the opposition's still hoping to finally (and against all odds) win a significant number of legislative seats. The ruling party's had a near-monopoly since independence, so this would be a real political earthquake if it happened. And the stakes are higher than just who runs a small island in SE Asia for the next four years. Dictators around the world have tended to see Singapore as a sort of pole star, a successful alternative to Western-style democracy. It'd be great to be able to turn that around and show that despotism always loses out eventually.

So now I feel guilty about just dissing the place out of hand the way I did. I don't claim to be an expert on the intricacies of local politics over there, but here are a few Singapore political blogs and blog entries I came across:

• Singabloodypore is not a pro-government blog, which you could probably tell from the name.
  
• A post at veni vidi blogi
  
• Words of the Lionheart asserts that one-party rule in Singapore is due to voter apathy, not an authoritarian government.
  
• A post at Diary of a Lucky Singaporean is titled, optimistically, "Brace yourself for the Opposition Onslaught!!!!"
  
• Chemical Generation Singapore, another political blog. There's a sidebar with list of more Singapore blogs, as well.
  

I naturally have no idea who was looking for political blogs about Singapore, whether they're curious citizens or government censors. If it's the latter, and they decide to ban this blog in Singapore, I'll take it as a mark of pride, and a sign I must be doing something right.

While I'm at it, here are a couple blogs and blog entries about Dubai. I haven't changed my mind about the ports deal or anything, but I also don't think it's healthy to see anywhere or anyone solely in cartoonish, stereotypical terms.

• Dubai Drama Queen
  
• Dubai Sunshine. Seems that Kool and the Gang was performing at the Dubai Jazz Festival last week. (!)
  
• I A!nt Askin U, I'm Tell!n U !
  
• Dubai Consumer Mirror has a post about colorful local con artists.
  
• A post about Dubai at Gridskipper
  
• A post about visiting Dubai at Beirut Notes.
  
• One Big Construction Site
  

---

And now, more "Next Blog" pseudorandomness:

• My Jokes & Funny Stories
  
• Heatstroked - Miami Heat fan blog
  
• Bar a Barraca (In portuguese)
  
• W 101 in 1001. Not that W.
  
• Principles of Interaction Design Sec 3_bbrenot
  
• Aphrodite Cont. Text only, but possibly not safe for work.
  
• Senza Fine (also in portuguese)
  
• Serenity. Not the movie.
  
• Katie the Scrapbook Lady
  
• Googlibrarian
  
• Monkeys & Keyboards? - a photo blog with some nice pics of Costa Rica and Peru.
  
• clever title
  
• Luxe Sex. That's (mostly) just the title, and the blog's about all manner of things. The top story right now features a cute chinchilla.
  
• Turn Off the Lights, and I'll Glow
  
• DynamicStability's l337h4x0mg - geekish blog about coding for Nintendo DS.
  
• به بوسه داغ خوش آمدید (in Farsi, I think)
  
• Avalanche Hockey. A couple posts about the ongoing goalie circus in Denver. I sure miss Patrick Roy, and I bet everyone in Colorado does, too.
  

In Darkest Jesustan

The theocrats are on the march again.

Here are two more news articles by distant out-of-state fundies who want to tell us all how to live. The Southern Baptists and the "Focus on the Family" clowns would both like to order us around in the matter of physician-assisted suicide. They're hundreds of miles away and have almost nothing in common with us, but that's never stopped them before. Adverse Supreme Court rulings don't stop them, and basic common decency doesn't stop them. And if the voters stop them, they'll just ramp up on establishing a theocracy, so they don't have to pay attention to those pesky voters anymore. Think I'm joking? Here's a recent poll of South Dakotans about the state's recent near-total abortion ban. The public does not approve, but inconvenient little details like that don't matter any more, not when you alone possess the Absolute Truth and know exactly how everyone ought to live. As of right now, SD residents still have access to detailed abortion info on the net. It'll be interesting to see whether the state tries to crack down on that as well.

We aren't quite ready for a theocracy yet here in Oregon, but the state legislature in Missouri is seriously thinking it over. Since they're half a continent away, not here, and not next door, I almost wish they'd go through with it, just for the sheer spectacle of the thing. I doubt they've thought this far, but it's obvious that mandating a generic "Christianity" is going to be a real problem. Sooner or later you're going to have to come up with a strict legal definition of who is a real Christian and who isn't. Otherwise, pragmatic unbelievers could simply proclaim themselves Unitarians and continue on as before. Which clearly is not what the bill's sponsors have in mind. The usual suspects will no doubt be excluded right off the bat: Unitarians, Mormons, Catholics, Episcopalians, Presbyterians, and so forth. Because you certainly don't want any of them conducting your mandatory school prayers. And the Baptists and Methodists and Pentecostals can't possibly all be right, and we sure can't have the schools teaching a false (and therefore Satanic) religion, so the government will need to pick one, and enforce it ruthlessly. And even then, you need to constantly be on guard against rogue Baptist (for example) ministers who stray from the state's approved theological guidelines. Otherwise, the term "Baptist" would rapidly become meaningless, and we can't have that. You'll most likely require a sort of Baptist pope, or at least a college of cardinals, who call all the shots and whose word is Law. And if his/their word is Law, having a separate governor, legislature, or court system would be basically pointless.

Sure, let them do that. And once they've done that, and other states in that part of the country have done the same thing, let them all secede, and good riddance to them. Let them have their Jesustan, so far as I'm concerned, just so long as they leave us blue-state folks alone. At minimum, this would mean making sure they don't have the bomb, because they can't be trusted with it, any more than the Taliban could be trusted with it. Splitting things up might be tough, but at least they won't fight us for custody over the Bill of Rights. That much is pretty clear.

I wonder what our spineless Democratic politicans would do if that ever happened. They're so used to being squishy and spineless and following the hard-right R's around pathetically bleating "Me too! Me too!" all the time. They've got no strategy other than figure out what conservative R's are for, and postion themselves a full 3% different to either side. And they're always in a headlong rush away from their base, because somebody told them it looks "statesmanlike" that way. Without R's around to model themselves on, our current D's would be completely lost. Look at the current controversy about the attempt to censure GWB over his domestic spying campaign. His approval ratings are in the dumpster, and the wiretap program looks to be about as unconstitutional as they come, but still they're terrified to stand up and criticize the guy. And they still -- for some reason -- expect to do well this November, even though the polls haven't shown a big groundswell of support for Democratic candidates. Here's a clue: If party X is unpopular, and you want to beat them in the next election, your first step ought to be to stop modeling yourself on them. Otherwise you'll be as unpopular as they are. If Democrats really want to win in 2006 (and I'm not convinced they do), they'll need a crash course in how to look and act like winners between now and then. I'm not holding out a lot of hope about that.

On a somewhat lighter and more surreal note, check out this article about GWB and his precious Oval Office rug. I don't know why he bothers. I sure wouldn't buy a carpet from the guy.

Updated:

• Regarding the burgeoning censure-the-bastard-already movement, permit me to direct your attention to a good article over at Vichy Democrats.
  
• Also, see this good post about fundie elitists over at Preemptive Karma.
  
• The Nation has a great article up about the censure controversy, and the dismissive reaction it's gotten among the beltway insider community.
  
• And you may have seen the recent Doonesbury about "situational science" already, but here it is anyway.
  

Updated II: Sandra Day O'Connor uses the 'D' word, where 'D' = "dictatorship". The US media's studiously ignoring this story, but here's an account at The Guardian.

Updated III: A scary example of the sort of thing that gets published, in this allegedly modern day and age, in local newspapers right here in the Pacific Northwest. A columnist for the Kitsap Peninsula Business Journal argues, with a straight face, that slavery was God's will. This is the same Kitsap Peninsula that's home to the big Trident nuclear sub base at Bangor, and the big navy base at Bremerton. What was I just saying about not letting the Jesustanis have the bomb?

Updated IV: A few bits of theocracy news, this time from Florida. The first item involves Katherine Harris. Yes, that Katherine Harris. An article about Rev. Kennedy and his ideas, for those who aren't familiar with the guy. And then there's the creepy guy from Domino's Pizza, and his plan to start an 100%-pure-Catholic-or-else town near Naples, FL. Oh, and the state has its own legion of nutty creationists as well.

Give 'em what they want...

The net is a strange place. Ok, technically it isn't a place at all, but it's strange. The latest example is the Furry Lobster Meme. I mean, I assume it's a meme (assuming I understand the whole "meme" thing), because a remarkable number of people have arrived here looking for info about Kiwaida, the new family of crustacea I wrote about a few days ago. Far more than I would have expected, especially since I haven't gotten a single visitor looking for choice Laonastes tidbits.

Updated: Here's another Kiwa post of mine from a few days after this one. Enjoy!

So since everybody seems to be showing up here anyway, I guess I'll appoint myself Your Unofficial Kiwaida Headquarters, and pass along a few quotable Furry Lobster Links (TM) for your zoological enjoyment.

• Ma planète actually links here for all your Kiwaida needs, so obviously this item comes first in the list. Thanks for the link!
  
• The above item also points readers at a Greenpeace blog. Be sure to follow the "blobfish" link if you want to see something really weird. Don't be eating anything when you look, though. I'm serious.
  
• Here's the original source material, the researchers' paper [PDF] about the creature. It's a bit technical for non-specialists, but there are several more pics of the creature, including closeups of the "fur", and in situ pics of the little beasties crawling around on the ocean floor.
  
• BadmintonStamps comments "The real question now is whether the blind albino dinner for two will receive fair treatment in a prejudiced market. Higher-ups at the notoriously close-minded Red Lobster restaurant chain were already rumored to be the ones applying pressure on the scientific community to assign the creature a non-lobster classification. If Kiwaida Poppers aren't on the menu come summer, you can chalk it up as just one more sad reminder that our nation still isn't nearly as color-blind as we'd like to think."
  
• At onepotmeal: "Now that I know about furry lobsters, other lobsters just seem so plain. Also cool, that there is a goddess of crustaceans."
  
• Another blogger remarks: "I wonder now, if the Polynesian resort in Disneyworld will put a big painting of this "goddess" up on the lobby wall...heheheh..."
  
• 7610 has this to say: "Don't worry though, it's only about 6 inches long. Well, this Kiwaida anyway.". True enough, but the one that attacks Tokyo will be much, much larger.
  
• In that spirit, here's a post titled "Attack Of The Blind Albino Yeti Crabs!".
  
• Another post, this one titled "Blinged Out Lobster is Pimp of the Sea". Which you have to admit is a truly vivid image.
  
• The discovery was not entirely unexpected. At least one blogger sort of predicted it over a week before it was announced.
  
• Yet another blogger goes a step further and speculates that he may have accidentally created the new creature.
  
• That may or may not be true. A blogger from Lynchburg, VA wonders if there may be a connection with French nuclear testing in the South Pacific.
  
• This page is not strictly a kiwaida page, it's a page of current science stories put together by the Wisconsin State Science Teachers. So I figured it was worth passing along.
  
• Another blogger notes a striking resemblance I'd completely missed: "First of all, I think that a better name for the lobster might have referred to the fact that it looks like it's wearing leg warmers--is this some throwback to the 1980s? I feel ilke it should also be wearing a headband, an off-the-shoulder t, and be carrying around a Walkman listening to Cindi Lauper.".
  
• More than one person has made this same connection. Here's someone's MySpace profile, in which both Kiwaida and Laonastes (and also Madonna) are pictured against a Nagel-print background. Wow.
  
• Uber_technica sees it as a sign of the apocalypse. And let me suggest that this and the 80's-retro hypothesis are compatible, and may both be correct simultaneously.
  
• Another blog draws what I think is a comic book analogy, which is entirely lost on me. But perhaps you'll enjoy it more than I did, so here ya go.
  
• Kiwa hirsuta features in a poem at Watermelon Moon, and is described as "a dazzling brooch only Phyllis Diller could wear".
  
• Again, more than one blogger draws this conclusion. The Chaotic Mind includes a pic of Phyllis Diller for comparison. Yikes!
  
• Junktopia , on the other hand, says "To me Kiwa Hirsuta looks like an H.R. Giger creation.".
  
• The fuzzy lil' crustacean's inspiring more than just poetry. Here's a Kiwaida stuffed animal someone's created. I think there's a definite market for these.
  
• Non Compos Mentis also talks about lobster plush toys. It seems like word hasn't gotten out about the toys in the previous item, which just goes to show -- yet again -- why my services are desperately required, in my self-appointed role as Kiwaida information clearinghouse.
  
• Just to show how evenhanded I am, here's a rival site aggregating Kiwa hirsuta stories. Mine's better, though. Everybody knows that.
  
• Another pic, this time of a bunch of Kiwaidas in all the colors of the rainbow. Groovy, man. One visitor comments: OH MY GOD! i can't stop fantasizing about the yeti crab. i'm writing a short story called micro knights where the yeti crab assists in folding space time because of the hairs on their claws that reacts to bacteria so that they can survive by the toxic vents in deep water...THX! such inspiration!!!.
  
• Seibei Industries has the usual photo, plus a photo of a "regular" albino lobster. What you really want to look at here is the user comments. Here's one:
  
  my friend and i are obsessed with the lobster thing. i want it to reach out and hold me with it’s fuzzy arms and mitten claws.
  
  i drew a picture of my friend with it -
  click here to see it.
  
  
• A song about furry lobsters, although it's actually about sea otters, not our furry lobsters.
  
• Ballpoint Wren speculates about the cullinary possibilities: "I'm certain the scientists who discovered this character also lost their appetites when they realized what garlic butter would do to all that blonde hair.". I dunno, myself. Garlic butter can work wonders. Given a sufficient amount of garlic butter, bricks are delicious, for example.
  
• Many Bells Down also expresses alarm about all that sheer hirsuteness: I’m not sure I’d be so keen on getting meat out of those pinchers! I hate it when there’s hair in my food. ".
  
• Others are much more enthusiastic. A lobster afficionado at Jawbone Radio says "Get some drawn butter!".
  
• A user comment at the previous item points readers at a more technical article at Practical Fishkeeping, which indicates that Kiwaida is a hydrothermal vent organism, and thus would be toxic, or at least really sulfury and disgusting, if you tried to eat one. Alas. And yet, there are a lot of things that are inedible unless prepared just the right way, like manioc, or rhubarb, or pufferfish. So don't give up all hope. There may still be a way, if you care. I actually don't, myself. I don't even like plain old "bald" lobster, and the evidence doesn't suggest the new beastie would be an improvement. It's hairy and all sulfury and brimstone-ish. If, hypothetically speaking, Dick Cheney wore a toupee, and you were to eat it, it would probably taste a lot like a Kiwaida.
  

While searching for Kiwaida stuff, I came across a couple of tidbits about Polyrhachis sokolova, a newly-discovered species of aquatic ant. Yes, you read that right. It's an ant that can swim. The original ABC (where A=Australian) story is here. Zoiks!


On a mostly-unrelated note, people have also showed up here due to one recent, very brief, passing mention of the B-movie actress Julie Strain (a pic here). These Cyclotram guests came here seeking knowledge (of a sort) and presumably went away empty-handed, since the post as a whole was about something else entirely. I actually feel a little guilty about that, like I'm being a bad host or something. So here are a couple of reviews I found of one of her most recent films, Exterminator City, by rumour_man and Dr. Gore. Reviewers on Netflix were rather stingy with their praise, a couple of them calling it the absolute worst movie they'd ever seen. That kind of talk always intrigues me, so the thing's in my queue now. I've seen a lot of atrociously poor movies, and I'm hard to impress. So we'll see how this baby stacks up. So to speak.

tags: kiwaida kiwa hirsuta furry lobster julie strain

Double Schadenfreude

Gentle Reader(s), we're gathered here to day to celebrate bad things happening to a couple of bad people.. Perhaps that's not the noblest of impulses, but let's be honest. They both earned what they got.

Our first schadenfreudee is a certain Mr. Claude Allen, until quite recently GWB's domestic policy adviser, one-time aide to Jesse Helms, and professional fundie nutcase. He's been arrested for running a classic grift job against his local Target store. What you do is buy a bunch of merchandise, take it out to your car, go back in the store with your receipt, fill your cart with identical merchandise, and "return" it for a full refund. At Target, no less. It's not surprising that a Bushoid would turn out to be a crook. But an incompetent, small-time crook? That's just really sad. I mean, I'm not saying it would be better if they'd all go back to running elaborate arms-for-hostages schemes, but ripping off your neighborhood discount store is in a weird way an affront to the dignity of your office. If that's the best crime you can come up with, it's clear you never belonged in DC in the first place.

So two points about Claude Allen:

First, the thing that makes this a fun story (besides the pathetic and pedestrian nature of the crime), is the hypocrisy. From the Sunday Times story about the arrest:

At the time of his departure Washington insiders speculated that Allen, a staunch evangelical conservative, was leaving because he was unhappy military chaplains were being forced to conduct non-denominational services. In a previous job at the health department he was an advocate of abstinence-only Aids prevention programmes.

As a health administrator in Virginia he once blocked welfare payments to a rape victim who wanted an abortion. In 2003 Bush nominated Allen as a federal appeals court judge, but he was rejected by Democrats who unearthed an old statement he had once made disparaging “queers”.

See also the longer profile of Allen by the Washington Post, with a photo of Allen standing with Bush and Rove.

What we have here is conservative "morality" in a nutshell. On one hand, absolutely rigid rules about sex and so-called "culture of life" issues, strictly enforced by unlimited government intrusion into citizens' private lives. On the other, a far more nuanced and forgiving stance on a lot of other things, like "thou shalt not kill", "thou shalt not bear false witness", and of course stealing. Suddenly they see all sorts of grey areas and loopholes everywhere, so that (for example) neither war nor capital punishment have any negative moral aspect at all to them. And if you have to lie to get your war started, apparently that's peachy keen too, since it proves you're a strong, tough leader, or something. Just so long as you don't fool around with any interns. That's far, far worse.

Second point, GWB's reaction to the arrest is rather telling. From the Telegraph story:

Mr Bush said: "If the allegations are true, Claude Allen did not tell my chief of staff and legal counsel the truth, and that's deeply disappointing.

"If the allegations are true, something went wrong in Claude Allen's life, and that is really sad."

So let me get this straight: The stealing itself is just a sign that "something went wrong" in the guy's life, which in itself is certainly no big deal. The real sin here, the real thing all right-thinking Americans should be outraged over, is Allen's unforgivable lapse in personal loyalty to the president. The moment he knew he was in legal trouble, he apparently ought to have told Karl & Rupert so they could've come up with some idiotic spindoctoring and a plan to manage the media. Blame it all on Hillary Clinton or something, since the specifics don't really matter anyway, and they certainly never have to be true. But instead, Allen selfishly focused on saving his own skin, even though a truly loyal Republican's every waking moment is supposed be slavishly devoted to adoring thoughts about the Glorious Leader. Bush can't quite say he never knew the guy (a la Abramoff), but his cold, distant remarks are about the next closest thing. Now it's possible Allen may never work inside the beltway again. Which would be fine with me, quite honestly. Good riddance.


The second schadenfreudee got his in an even more dramatic and final way. I'm talking, of course, about Slobodan Milosevic, who died miserable and alone in a foreign prison, while on trial for war crimes. Some people have argued it's a big disappointment because he hadn't been convicted or sentenced yet. And yes, that would've been nice, of course, but in the end it would've been mostly a symbolic victory. There's nothing a civilized society could do that could adequately punish him for his actions, so a conviction would ultimately be disappointing as well, no matter what the sentence. In the end, what matters is that he's gone, not one more person will die on his orders, and he lived just long enough to see all his dreams die. He's gone, and the world's a better place for it. That should count for something. And if we're really lucky, next it'll be Pinochet's turn, and maybe Mugabe after that.


tags: claude allen bush slobodan milosevic schadenfreude abramoff pinochet mugabe

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Origami Backlash

In this age of the 24 hour news cycle, it's a bit late for me to be poking fun at Microsoft's new "Origami" initiative (a.k.a. UMPC). The negative reviews are already pouring in. But this picture was just too perfect. (Here's some more origami dinos.) It's just yet another MS attempt to shoehorn a full version of Windows, or something superficially close to it, into a small(ish) form factor, and convince everybody it's just the coolest thing ever. If it's not a clunky touchscreen laptop running WinXP, it's a clunky PDA running WinCE. Look, It's Windows. It doesn't scale down very well. PDA users don't want to navigate through five levels of start menu just to do anything useful. Everybody keeps explaining this, but Microsoft isn't listening. Whenever they announce they've discovered an unsuspected new market niche, the world just rolls its eyes. (AutoPC, anyone?) Which is all fine, really. I'd hate to see MS dominate and crush any new markets.

I could be wrong, of course. Maybe there's a huge legion of people out there who've been secretly carrying real bricks around all day, unbeknownst to me and for reasons of their own, and they'll all jump at the chance to upgrade to an electronic model. Could be, I guess. Or maybe hardcore Star Trek fans will decide they look like something Captain Picard would've lugged around circa 1988 and have to buy one for their very own. Who knows? One thing, though. If you're going to do one of those "viral marketing" stunts where you get the media to hype your ultra-mysterious upcoming announcement, it's best if the product itself isn't a big, obvious disappointment. I haven't seen so much hype since the Segway.

I was going to write a little transition here, comparing MS to the Bush administration, but I don't actually dislike Microsoft that much. The analogy seemed a bit forced anyway. So let's all just agree that a transition just happened, and we're talking about politics for a moment. Just for a moment, though, and only because I wanted to pass along today's crop of political blog entries I liked, including ones from panopticonman, To the point, Republicans for Satan, and Building a Pyramid.

Other stuff I figured I'd braindump while I'm at it:

• Everything sounds better in French. Including this post about the latest Cassini discoveries, titled Encélade le magnifique
  
• I was looking for any more info about that interesting mp3 of Iranian music I mentioned a few posts back, but I think this isn't the same person as before. Interesting site, though: Peyman and his Tonbak.
  
• An article at James Randi's site about yet another con artist preying on gullible religious people. (Originally found on Y! SCOX)
  
• It'll be a while before the new mars orbiter's really open for business, but here are a couple of navigational images from during the approach to Mars, to tide you over, or whatever.
  
• And a Portland food blog I came across, ExtraMSG.com. One point, though, regarding the top story. As much as I like hummus (to the despair of certain people), I have to admit it doesn't photograph well. So maybe you'll want to skip that part and go directly to the chocolate. Sahagun gets a mention, along with a number of local chocolatiers I haven't quite gotten to yet. Now I think I'll have to make that a new personal goal. Mmmm.... chocolate....
  

origami microsoft mars enceladus food chocolate bush

cyclotram post #100

And I'm keeping this one short. Sometimes pictures say a thousand words. Other times there's just a single perfect word, and it's enough.

tags: cheney retire

It's nail-bitin' time again...

The shiny new Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter is supposed to arrive in Mars orbit today. SpaceflightNow has their usual minute-by-minute status page, so anyone who doesn't mind a little temporary high blood pressure can follow along.

Maybe I'm just being cynical here, but I have to wonder whether the word "Reconnaissance" in the name was the key to getting budgetary approval. It's hard to imagine a name that'd be a safer bet, given the Bushies' well-known inclinations. "Mars Petroleum Explorer", anyone? Or maybe a "Mars BibleBot 1", to look for evidence of Noah's flood on Mars, and convert the heathen Martians (if they exist) into good churchgoing Southern Baptists.

Anyway, while we're waiting, here are a couple of perspectives on yesterday's big Enceladus announcement. The Christian Science Monitor has a piece titled "Water discovery vs. NASA budget cuts". I had a few words to say about GWB's budget cuts myself a couple of days ago. And the Sydney Morning Herald has an article "Does it contain new forms of life or just a few old geysers?" (what is it with these long titles?)

It's quite a cool discovery, although (as usual) it wasn't entirely unexpected. The moon orbits within the "E ring", a faint, diffuse band of ice crystals. The leading theory for many years has been that the ice was coming from the moon somehow. And the twin Voyagers in the early 80's showed that much of the moon's surface looks relatively fresh and uncratered, which is usually taken to mean that some sort of crater-erasing geological process has occurred there, possibly on an ongoing basis. You put two and two together, and geysers don't seem that outlandish of an idea. So as cool as this is, it's really a confirmation of an existing hypothesis, not a startling and unexpected new revelation.

As an alternate form of stress relief, here are two more beer blogs I came across yesterday: Appellation Beer and Making Homemade Wine & Beer. There's also a current beer article over at Prague Style, which isn't at all surprising given what I've heard about the city. More surprising is another blog's post about Taybeh Beer, the only beer currently brewed in the Palestinian territories. Don't miss the directions to the brewery, complete with army checkpoints and everything. And just last year, the town of Taybeh celebrated its very first Oktoberfest. Huh. Who would've thought?


technorati tags: mars reconnaissance orbiter mars mro enceladus cassini saturn bush nasa beer prague palestine oktoberfest

Laonastes & Kiwaida

[Updated: Here are two subsequent "furry lobster" posts of mine: "Give 'em what they want" and Kiwaidagain. Hey, it's a popular topic right now, and I'm milking it. Enjoy! ]

It's a red letter day for weird new animal species. There's a story over at FoxNews about the (re)discovery of the Laotian Rock Rat, Laonastes aenigmamus. Or if you prefer reputable sources, there's a Wikipedia article as well. Or if you're a proper Renaissance person and prefer your scientific literature in Latin, you're in luck. And if you're curious what they taste like, NewScientist has the goods. (discusson here) Some accounts I've seen have referred to the little beastie as a "rat squirrel", not to be confused with the Sumatran rat monkey, of course. I can't quite picture that. I love squirrels, and hate rats, and if the new creature is somewhere in between, I just don't know what to think about it.

Deep beneath the sea, another weird creature has been discovered. Kiwa hirsuta is described as a hairy lobster, representing an entirely new family of crustacean, Kiwaida. It's not real hair, of course, but it certainly looks like something the Jim Henson workshop might have cooked up. Here, a blogger wonders how long it'll be before "some jackass wonders what kind of sauce and wine might go best". And here, that question is answered. There's always someone who wants to know what it tastes like.

Meanwhile, today's Washington Post has one of the saddest stories I've seen in a long, long time. The Richmond, VA zoo was forced to euthanize both of their bears so they could be tested for rabies, all because some stupid parent thought it'd be cute to have her kid feed the bears from up close. Chomp! If they ever institute a test that people have to pass in order to become parents, people ought to be asked whether they'd ever voluntarily place their young offspring within reach of a huge, hungry bear. That would be a very reasonable question to ask, I think.

You used to be able to feed the animals at the zoo. It's true. I remember doing it myself as a child, back in the 70's, but not from up close. We'd make about a loaf's worth of PB&J sandwiches, take them to the local zoo, and hurl them to the bears. I don't know whether the bears had been trained to do this or not, but they'd sit up on their hind legs and beg, and they were pretty good at catching sandwiches out of the air. Decades later, that seems like a really barbaric practice, and I can't believe they ever allowed it. I've heard zoos of that era had persistent problems with pranksters who'd throw the bears sandwiches laced with Ex Lax, for instance. I don't know whether that's true or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. People who enjoy abusing animals couldn't resist an opportunity like that.

A couple of additional zoological tidbits:

In the UK there's a charity dedicated to protecting squishy, spineless little invertebrates. Not congressional Democrats, silly, they're for protecting bugs.

And here's the ultimate answer to every kid's favorite question, "What's grosser than gross?". I'm speaking, of course, about the hagfish, a really nasty piece of work. Want more info? Here's more, but I doubt it'll change your mind much.

The first time I ever heard of these little bastards was actually in a Gunter Grass novel. It was years ago, but I think it was either Dog Years or Cat and Mouse. There's a vivid image in one scene of a horse's head being pulled from the ocean, riddled with hagfishes. It was one of those moments where you just know it isn't entirely fictional. Poor Herr Grass probably experienced this as a child, and has had nightmares about it ever since. I know I would've, if it had happened to me.

Various sources out there argue that despite all appearances, hagfish really are of commercial value. The skins are an excellent cheap leather substitute, we're told. And they're considered a delicacy in Korea. Or was it Japan? And here, a group of intrepid college students explores using hagfish slime as an egg substitute in baked goods. And it wasn't even a reality show, that's the real kicker here. If you'd like to try this yourself, and you have access to a reliable supply of hagfish slime (and if you do, I seriously don't want to know why), there's a recipe for hagfish slime scones over at the Museum of Awful Food. Not to be confused with James Lileks' incredibly funny Gallery of Regrettable Food.



I hate to end this post talking about the most disgusting creature on the planet, so let's switch gears again. It seems that via the magic of DNA analysis, researchers have identified three new species of lemur in Madagascar, including the Lepilemur randrianasoli pictured above. This has gotten less coverage than the other stories, probably because the "new" lemurs aren't especially new. They look and act like other lemurs, and were only identified as separate with some fancy DNA work. But still, you'd think someone would be paying attention. I guess that someone is me. There's one other lemur-related story of note: The zoo in Sacramento has a new baby Coquerel's sifaka, a species of lemur. Enjoy!

tags: laonastes kiwaida bear hagfish gunter grass lemur madagascar zoo lobster

When Small Housewares Attack

Maslenitsa-N-More

I really need to pay closer attention to these things. While I was busy working, commuting, blogging, going to the grocery store, attending wedding receptions, and so forth, the festival of Maslenitsa (a.k.a. Russian Mardi Gras) passed completely unremarked-upon. That just isn't right. A few additional accounts, some with images. This is a sample of what I, and probably you, missed:

• Linguamir has some pics of traditional folk dancing and general clowning about. Since the company claims to be "Quality language instruction", I'd like to offer them a bit of of constructive criticism. In English, referring to a female clown as a "girl-buffoon" isn't very nice at all. You're likely to offend people talking that way.
  
• One of several posts at Moscow Minutiae. At one point the post mentions a honey-based drink called medovukha, which WIkipedia says is a lot like mead. Hmm. Combine that with the folk dancing and such, and you've basically got a Renaissance Fair on your hands.
  
• Another article w/ more images over at Accidental Russophile.
  

Ah, well. There's always next year.

Meanwhile, I still haven't found that link I lost where someone was blogging about Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro. However, here's what may be the next best thing, a blog about Carnaval in Pernambuco, Brazil. Looks like it's all safe for work, albeit maybe a bit distracting.

And St. Patrick's Day will be here soon. So far I haven't seen any signs that there'll be a repeat of last year's beer festival in Pioneer Courthouse Square. We went and loved it, but most of the time we were there the place was deserted. It's almost unimaginable that someone threw a beer festival in Portland and nobody shows up, but that's exactly what happened. I know, because I was there. The thing even got a reasonable amount of publicity, and it didn't help. Maybe everyone who goes to this sort of thing was at the Kells Irish Pub's festival, which is sort of a local institution. It's hard to say. Later it occurred to me that the festival also tied up the square over the anniversary of the start of the Iraq war, so part of me wonders if maybe that was the plan all along.

Of course, everybody knows that the really big spring festival here in Portland doesn't come until a bit later. The Spring Beer & Wine Festival doesn't happen until mid-April this time around, because it always runs Easter weekend. It's really tailored to local conditions in ways that traditional festivities aren't. First, it's indoors, which is very important here. Second, it has no religious aspect whatsoever. Third, it's a chance to drink a lot of beer while pretending it's all a big intellectual exercise for discerning conoisseurs, And fourth, there are lots of knicknacks and trinkets you can buy once you've had a few drinks. The next morning you wake up and think "I bought THAT!?". Which can be expensive, but at least nobody's caught an embarrassing disease that way.

At the moment, I'm enjoying a nice glass of Cantillon Geuze, which is a definite acquired taste. Someday I'll figure out whether I actually like lambics or not, and decide once and for all whether they're truly the pinnacle of the brewer's art. But not today. I figure there's no point in forming a concrete opinion until you've tried 'em all.

---

And now we've hit the "unrelated items" part of the post, where I list off a few things that I came across today that have nothing to do with the alleged topic of this post.

• Thrilling video from The Lancelet of an octopus eating a shark.
  
• You may have seen this already. A blog out of New Zealand offers a series of pics titled "Bad Parenting", featuring some ducklings. Well, the ducklings appear in two out of the three pics, I'll put it that way.
  
• The Panda's Thumb reports on the current creationism debate in South Carolina, where I used to live a few years ago. I sure miss the weather right about now... And the food. And some of the people, some of the time. Did I mention the food?
  
• In the same vein, here's a great Washington Post column titled Culture of Intellectual Corruption. I'll just tell you flat-out that it's about Bush, so that you don't have to waste your 6 guesses. One key point it makes is something I've tried to explain here on occasion:
  

  
  Specter is right to link Iraq with everything else, because the debacle there is a product of the same magical thinking that rejected global warming, stem cells and condoms alike. Underlying it all is a commitment to belief over fact, what should be over what is. It is evidenced in the insistence by Bush and others that "intelligent design" is, like evolution, worthy of teaching. "Both sides ought to be properly taught," Bush once said. Yes, and astronomy and astrology, too, and maybe chemistry and alchemy as well. It's a totally bogus proposition.
  

  
  
• A travel blog, from someone who's trekking around Argentina even as we speak.
  
• Whaddaya Say Fritz, another interesting photo blog,
  
• love of robots, in which a 15 y/o student posts her many doodles involving robots. This is quite possibly the most excellent blog ever, but don't ask me to try explaining why. It just is, ok?
  

---

and now, the tags: maslenitsa mardi gras beer carnaval south carolina bush lambic octopus robot

Plugh!!!

In a recent post, I made a crack about hypothetical tourists from Idaho Falls. This generated a surprising number of search engine hits, all people looking for the phrase "Idaho Falls". It seems the world, or at least part of the world, is thirsting for information about the place, so I figured, hey, I've been there twice, the last time less than ten years ago, so that practically makes me an expert, compared to a lot of people. So I figured I'd see what I could find about the place with a few brief minutes searching the web.

Two very different perspectives on the place can be had from the the local ABC affiliate, and IdahoFallz.com, which describes itself as the city's "virtual soapbox". While the former is the usual local TV mix of lurid crime stories and human interest fluff, the latter is a fairly interesting read. Some urban planning stories, pictures of local architecture and public art, and so forth. Also, the city has a brand new TGI Fridays.

So I ought to make it very clear that the picture above does not have anything whatsoever to do with United Airlines starting a new route from Idaho Falls to Denver. Nor does it have anything to do with a recent incident that got the hardcore "chemtrail" folks all worked up. (Silly rabbit, everybody knows chemtrails are made by black helicopters.)

No, the above picture isn't from Idaho at all, surprisingly enough. It's from Southern Oregon, home of the Oregon Caves. Certain local booster clubs in the area have been known to dress up as cavemen, er, cavepersons. The city of Grants Pass actually has a statue of a caveman, right near the freeway offramp. I suppose it's located there to ward away any Californians who wander in off I-5, desperately seeking tofu.

The picture is in a gallery hosted by the Oregon Grotto, a local spelunking organization. I haven't done a lot of wandering around in caves myself. Mostly because there aren't a lot of caves in the area (that the public knows about, anyway), and most of what we do have are lava tubes, like Lava River Cave. Not very big, and once you've seen one, the others hold few surprises.

But I have always liked the idea of caves, at least. When I was a kid, I found a book in the local library called The Longest Cave, an account of the exploration of the Mammoth Cave system in Kentucky. It's been years since I last read it, but I remember it being an engrossing and very well written book. As it turns out, one of the people who features prominently in the book went on to write the famous original Adventure computer game, which was based (rather realistically, we're told) on part of the cave system. I used to love that game too, having played it incessantly back in the old text adventure days. The game, incidentally, is the origin of the magic words "xyzzy" and the lesser-known "plugh", and the phrase "a maze of twisty little passages, all alike".

I actually came across these cave pics when I was, once again, looking for a good picture of a Cyclotram to adorn this blog. Still haven't found one, but I came across someone who saw Unknown World as a child, and apparently loved it. He mentions the movie in two separate columns, one about being a lifelong SF fan, and the other some memories about someone he knew who'd gotten stuck in a cave when he was younger, requiring a somewhat embarrassing rescue.

I also came across a site offering the movie via BitTorrent, with some small screenshots to give you some idea of what to expect. The site asserts that the film's entered the public demain and is no longer under copyright. I don't know whether that's the case or not, but it's not unusual for this to happen with B movies from that era. So maybe I can just grab a screenshot from my dvd of the movie, if that's the case.

tags: idaho falls cave book xyzzy plugh oregon

On Importance

More evidence surfaced today that a.) what I'm doing right now (i.e. blogging) is Very Important, but b.) my particular instance of this worthy activity is Not Very Important. I remain a remote vertex on the far fringes of the blogoverse's vast directed graph, with my indegree stuck resolutely at zero.

Here are a couple of news stories from much closer to the center of the graph, pointing at what we're told are hip, happening bits of the blogosphere, directly from various stodgy corners of the Old Media. Because if anyone knows what's hip and happening at this very moment, it's the Old Media. Everybody knows that.

The BBC would like us to know all about something called the Blooker Prize, by analogy with the UK's "old media" Booker Prize. Soon, the world's best blog will be anointed, and the author given a golden opportunity to leap to the world of dead trees and lead-based ink. Yay!

Closer to home, Portland's own Willamette Week has a trend/style article that puts local bloggers on notice: You're nobody, unless your blog's hosted on UrbanHonking. If you (like me) use Blogspot or some other service, you're a hopeless square. If you aren't l33t enough to have a blog on UH, you might as well give up on the whole internet thing and go back to making buggy whips. I'd actually never even heard of the thing before, but then I also have a huge amount of trouble keeping up on the local indie rock scene, too. Which is too bad, because you can't possibly be cool in this town unless you can list from memory at least 3 dozen bands nobody else on the planet has ever heard of. And they all have to be exactly the right sort of band, too. No country-western, no hair metal, no 60's style soul music. Just 100% pure indie rock, and lots of it. Yay. And while I'm at it, stop calling me "Gramps", dammit.

And then, there's the matter of Wal-Mart recruiting friendly bloggers to help polish their image. It's surprising how many Wal-Mart-friendly bloggers there are out there. Apparently a large chunk of the conservative (and/or venal money-grubbing) blogosphere genuinely belives that Wal-Mart's "red state" image is a real expression of ideology on the company's part, and is absolutely not a coldly calculated marketing campaign like what Target's managed on the "blue state" side of things. Whew. Talk about naive.

The really important point here is that, to date, not a single "old media" type has pretended to fawn over my every word, and not one corporate flack has, so far, dangled schwag in front of me in exchange for my considerable literary services. It's quite the crying shame, although I remain convinced they're all doing it just to make me jealous.

New Dawn Fades

If you care about this sort of thing, you've probably already heard about NASA cancelling the Dawn mission to the large asteroids Ceres and Vesta. We're told this was because the troubled project was over budget, which was true, and because it was stumbling over a number of technical obstacles, which was also true. And what's more, the whole point of the Discovery program (which Dawn was funded under) is to control costs and make it easy to terminate projects that go off the rails. So in a sense this shows that HQ means business, and the cost control provisions really do mean what they say. From a purely bureaucratic perspective, then, I guess one could declare "mission accomplished", although the result is that we don't get to see two fascinating places up close, at least for a while longer.

On the other hand, the mission's complexity was due in large part to the need to accomodate various bureaucratic requirements. In particular, the idea of sending one spacecraft to visit both asteroids surely resulted from the Discovery program's focus on funding individual stand-alone missions. You probably couldn't build multiple asteroid probes on a Discovery budget, while a proposal to visit a single large asteroid probably wouldn't have been flashy enough to get the bid committee's attention. Visiting two asteroids meant using not one but two ion engines, and an extremely long mission duration. Even before HQ started cracking the whip a few months ago, the mission was clearly in trouble. News accounts about the cancellation mentioned that the mission would have measured the asteroids' magnetic fields (if they exist), but Dawn's magnetometer had been deleted from the mission back in February 2004, to save on costs, weight, and power consumption, all of which had grown significantly over the original estimate.

The fundamental problem is that, unlike Mars for example, the asteroid belt isn't all in one place. There are far too many to ever contemplate visiting all of them, so the right approach would seem to be to get a statistically significant sample. Cover the really big ones, plus enough hopefully-typical examples that one or two oddballs won't skew your conclusions. This inevitably means building more than one spacecraft. The best you can really do, costwise, is try to leverage your initial investment by using a standardized, simple design. This would be the right approach, but I doubt there's enough political will or interest out there to do it this way.

There's also the matter of agency priorities. We've gotten a solemn promise that science programs will absolutely not be cannibalized in favor of Apollo Jr., the latest bloated and pointless federal jobs-for-Texans program. But nobody really believes that. It's happening already, in fact. Which is exactly the same thing that happened with the Space Station, the Shuttle, and on and on. To justify this, we're always told that human spaceflight is the one and only thing the public cares about. This may have been true in 1965, but it's hard to argue that it's the case anymore. These days the Shuttle+Station program is seen as expensive, pointless, and scary, and the public couldn't care less about it. In contrast, thanks to the magic of the Internet, the public can follow ongoing planetary exploration in near-real-time. It's almost like riding along.

This wouldn't be as big of a problem if it was possible to grow the NASA budget to accomodate the new moon program. But we can't, because our top budgetary priorities remain 1.) Apocalyptic wars all over the Middle East -- and everywhere else, if possible; and 2.) More big tax cuts for rich people. So our hands are pretty much tied, budgetwise. This is strikingly similar to the situation that eventually killed the Apollo program, come to think of it.

But there may be more at work here than budgetary & bureaucratic infighting. Beyond Dawn, other major cuts included projects to explore Jupiter's moon Europa (which may contain a vast ocean of liquid water under its icy crust), and an effort to look for earthlike planets around other stars. Even more than Dawn, evidence resulting from these projects would have the potential to really undermine a fundamentalist, literal reading of Genesis. So now we simply aren't going to study that sort of thing anymore, to make sure that we don't discover anything Karl Rove and the creationist/ID rabble wouldn't approve of. You think I'm kidding? Read my previous post about the infamous Big Bang Memo, and then decide whether I'm just blowing smoke here.

On the bright side, we don't have a monopoly on exploring the universe. If we're going to turn inward and wallow in medieval ignorance, someone else (Europe, Russia, Japan, China, India...) will happily pick up the slack, and get all the credit while we busy ourselves speaking in tongues and burning witches at the stake.

[In case you're wondering, the title of the post comes from an old Joy Division song, which is not to say that I'm that old or anything, of course.]

tags: nasa dawn ceres vesta shuttle apollo discovery europa creationism "intelligent design"

Greenhorn, USA

The smallest, and highest altitude, incorporated city in Oregon is named Greenhorn, at 6270 feet above sea level, and a population that various measures give as anywhere from three down to zero. The last census recorded zero residents, although there are apparently three registered voters, a mayor, a city council, and a couple of city "employees". As far as I can figure, the state can't classify it as a ghost town and abolish it so long as someone's maintaining it as a going concern. Although several pages including this one report that the place operates under some sort of "Township Charter" granted directly by Uncle Sam. It'd be helpful if they explained what that meant, but they don't.

The town gets a blurb at the end of this article about "Oregon's Playgrounds", meaning areas where a significant percentage of the housing stock is owned by nonresidents and occupied seasonally. If any of the seven legal residences are vacation homes, I'm assuming they aren't pictured on this page.

I suppose it would be kind of fun to have an actual legal city to run as a hobby. It's a shame how ghost towns tend to be so inconveniently located, though. I do seem to recall an article in the Oregonian a few years ago where a sharp-eyed researcher had discovered that there were a significant number of "cities" on the books in this state that had been incorporated on paper long ago, and subsequently forgotten. Many of these were near, or now even within the limits of "real" cities, some of them in the Portland area. If I'm not mistaken, one phantom city was actually centered in the area of what's now the Cedar Hills Crossing mall in central Beaverton. Which is kind of a fascinating idea. The idea of things continuing to legally "exist" on paper long after they've ceased to exist (or never existed to begin with) in the real world is intriguing, and I expect there are all sorts of ways a sufficiently clever person could turn such a situation to his or her advantage.

I don't know if the state legislature ever acted on these legal "ghost towns"; surely they must've had higher priorities. Unless they've since been abolished, in theory I guess you could lay hands on one of these babies, finagle yourself into the mayor's office, and start handing out traffic tickets, putting relatives on the payroll, passing weird city ordinances, accepting lavish gifts from lobbyists, abusing your city credit card / mobile phone / Learjet for personal use, handing out huge public subsidies for local sports team owners, CEOs, and random other rich people, maybe build a stylish aerial tram across "town"... the possibilities are absolutely endless, and just begging to be exploited. (Mwhahahaha!!!!)

Which means our noble legislators probably did abolish these cities-on-paper. I don't think they could tolerate the added competition.

Columbia River Crystal

I've gone off on the occasional rant about awful public art from time to time, so I thought it was high time I featured something that I actually like. This is Columbia River Crystal, by David Curt Morris, a New York sculptor who just happens to have grown up in Portland. Even graduated from Reed. I'm not saying that out of small-town boosterism, but it is kind of a neat bit of trivia.

Updated 11/12/08: I've always reserved the right to go back and update old posts if I've got something more to add on the subject, and this post was overdue for a little tweaking. In particular, when I wrote this I didn't have the whole Flickr thing sorted out yet, so I used a photo I found on the net somewhere. I'm not real big on doing that anymore, so I'm replacing it with a bunch of artsy-esque photos I took recently. If these don't float your boat, here are two photos I ran across out on the interwebs. Hmm. Was "interwebs" even a word when I wrote this originally? Is it a word now?

Forgive me if the post rambles off topic a bit toward the end. I used to do that a lot. At least the new photos are all "on topic". Well, whatever. On with our story...

Why do I like it? Reasonable people can disagree about this, of course, but I think it's beautiful, and it fits its location perfectly. The only downside is that its location is fairly obscure, at the entrance to the Crown Plaza office complex on the south end of downtown, near the corner of 1st and Clay. You either have to know it's there and go in search of it, or you have to walk around in the area a lot and eventually stumble across it, which is what I did.

The really encouraging thing is that it's a recent piece, installed in 1997. I'm not really hip to current trends in the art world, but I'd like to believe that abstract sculpture is improving over time, with this being a recent(-ish) example, and the infamous "Rusting Chunks No. 5" a.k.a "Leland One" representing a primitive, bygone era.

On my TODO list, there are two more downtown artworks I mean to track down when I get a chance. I've heard there's a neat little fountain in the underground parking garage of the ultra-mod 60's Union Bank of California Tower. And a few weeks ago I was driving past one of the new engineering buildings at Portland State University, and noticed what appeared to be the "parking garage pillar" thingy I mentioned in the Rusting Chunks post. I thought it had been demolished to make way for the new CS building, but maybe they just moved it instead. If true, that would be a serious crying shame.

While searching for info on the UBC Tower's fountain, I came across an fascinating blog entry mentioning the building itself, from the local blog anti:freeze. The building also features on this list of the best buildings in town.

Also came across pics of two smallish fountains in town that I've never personally seen or heard of. I gather the second one is somewhere near the lower reservoir in Washington Park, but I couldn't begin to guess where it might be located.

Yet another interesting post that wasn't quite what I was looking for. The "Cool flower planter" item toward the bottom looks like it's at Lovejoy Fountain Plaza. The author complains the area seems deserted, especially during off-hours. Which is true, but in this case I think it's great. I've always thought of this park as a sort of modernist secret oasis in the middle of the city, known only to those who live or work or go to school in the area. And really I'm just fine with it staying that way, especially now that tourist-filled streetcars are running just a block or two away. If only they knew, they could stop, and gawk, and loudly tell each other how there isn't anything quite like this back home in Idaho Falls, and drop their gum and cigarette butts everywhere, and pester the locals with stupid questions, and demand to know where they can buy tourist knicknacks, maybe snowglobes with the fountain inside or something, or cheap his-n-hers size XXXXXL t-shirts with pictures of the fountain on 'em, and maybe a tasmanian devil too, just to spice things up. But luckily it's not in the guidebook, so they don't have a clue it's there. For now, it's our little secret.

tags: portland sculpture fountain public art

Conquest!!!

I've just seen an exceedingly crappy movie, and I'd like to share it with you. In a recent post about sword & sorcery movies, I made a brief mention of Conquest, by the infamous Italian director Lucio Fulci. It arrived today, by the grace of Netflix and the US Postal Service, and... wow, it's really poor, a terrible, terrible movie.

Before I get to my own comments, here are some other reviews, so you can get a diverse set of opinions about the film and all. From the website names alone (other than Amazon, perhaps), it's obvious that the Merchant-Ivory mafia holds no sway here. Several of the reviewers are horror fans who think the director's normally a genius, except perhaps for this movie. Even the most harcore fanboys can't make this one look good:

• Horrorview
  
• Sleazegrinder
  
• Amazon.com
  
• Monsters at Play
  
• braineater.com
  
• Tyrannorabbit
  

And now for a few comments of my own:

1. I've never seen so much fog in my entire life. Is it supposed to be artistic? Or did somebody's no-good brother need a job, and the only thing he could do was run a fog machine? Enough with the fog, already. It's true that a proper S&S movie needs a bit of fog machine work here and there, but not every freakin' scene. Certain Fulci apologists have tried to blame the movie's appearance on a bad video or DVD transfer, but it's obvious that there was fog in the original scene.
   
2. The score is suitably cheesy. It's one scene after another of some dork noodling away on a synthesizer. One mentally associates 80's fantasy movies with heavy metal music, but I don't recall actually seeing the two combined on film. It's always synthesizers. And at least in this department, The Conquest delivers.
   
3. If there's a moral to the story, which I doubt, it's that being able to see the future is more trouble than it's worth. The evil sorceress forsees her own demise at the hands of one of the two heroes, and everything from there is all self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically she decides that some guy in a distant land is a threat to her, because he has a WMD (a magic bow, in this case), and sends her minions out on a preemptive attack to deal with him. Sound familiar? Does this ever turn out well?
   
4. If we're going to be genre sticklers, there are no actual swords in this movie. One guy has a magic bow, the other has a sling, plus some special rocks that explode when you toss them in people's campfires. The bad guys don't seem to have mastered tool use (probably couldn't, in those costumes), and rely on a bit of listless wrestling and occasional tossing of nets.
   
5. You couldn't pay me enough to do the scene where the older guy's tied to a pole underwater, and he's rescued by a pair of dolphins that bite the ropes away from his wrists. The next time you see a dolphin, look at all those teeth. You couldn't pay me enough. Yikes!
   
6. Not to spoil things, but the film does pull a switcheroo on viewers as to which guy will be the sole conquering hero in the end. You think it's one, but it's the other. I'm not telling which.
   
7. There's a bit of gore here, but it's not exactly high-quality gore. Unless the natives of these weird and foggy lands have Campbell's tomato soup for blood.
   
8. The evil high priestess spends the whole movie wearing just a spiky g-string and a gold mask, plus the occasional boa constrictor. If I'd seen this movie when I was 15 or so and impressionable, I might've ended up with some really odd notions.
   
9. However, everybody keeps saying the movie's full of sex and violence, and it isn't, at least not by S&S standards. She alone accounts for about 90% of the movie's t&A. And not to be crude or anything, but that 't' is lowercase for a reason, if you get my drift.
   
10. Like any S&S "buddy" movie, there's an obvious gay subtext to the movie, but as usual the movie doesn't pull it off very well. There's no real chemistry between the older and younger guy. It's almost as if the director wasn't aware of this theme, despite all the loincloths and furry boots.
    
11. Also, the young guy is really scrawny, and the older guy is, well, older, and kind of stubbly. Neither takes his shirt off in the whole movie, which may not be a bad thing. So the movie really falls down in the beefcake department. I like to think I'm an egalitarian sort of person, so if the women in S&S movies are going to be objectified, the men ought to be as well. It's only fair.
    
12. I don't think Fulci liked dogs very much. The sorceress's lackeys are weird dog-faced creatures, and she and the faceless male(?) being that arrives to help her out halfway through both are able to transform into dogs. None of this is ever explained, of course.
    
13. People spend a lot of time sleeping in this movie. I don't know why. Tsetse flies, maybe? It's never explained, but you soon realize that you don't get a lot of action or character development out of sleeping characters, do you? Actually in this movie you don't get a lot of action or character development, period.
    
14. Whenever people aren't sleeping, they're having "dramatic" scenes at what is either sundown or sunup. If you feel like creating a Conquest drinking game, you might want to start out with "If someone tries to emote in front of a sunset or sunrise, drink!", and go from there.
    
15. There's an edgy moment where the older guy kills some random peasant with an arrow and swipes the pig carcass he was carrying. Our heroes then enjoy a hearty pig dinner. The young guy is puzzled because the older guy's supposed to be such a great friend of animals and all. The older guy makes a flippant remark about that, and we never revisit the issue. Hey, he's a barbarian, not a righter of wrongs and defender of the defenseless.
    
16. The blue glowing magic arrow thing isn't a bad effect for 1983. It's the movie's one effect, so it's used over and over again. It's not bad, but you'll be sick of it before long. The bad-guy arrows inexplicably shooting out of a large bush are not such a good effect, and you'll see this one a few times too many as well. I did like the way our heroes endure a few minutes of these cheesy arrow effects, and then turn tail and run away.
    
17. When the young guy ends up getting hit in the leg, we discover that the bad guys use really puny arrows. Not so much arrows as pipe cleaners, in fact. Or maybe pine needles. But these, ahem, arrows are poisoned, so when the young guy gets nicked by one, he ends up with a number of highly unconvincing boils. More tomato soup.
    
18. You can always tell if someone's a peasant, because if so, they're always covered in caked-on mud. Yes, even on their hair. Peasants always have muddy hair, it seems.
    
19. The movie doesn't lack for poorly animated birds and bats. The older guy finds an injured bird of some kind at one point, and once he's nursed it back to health in a day or two, it rejoins the film's other two marionette birds. I guess to heal one of these birds, all you really need to do is reattach the strings, and it's off flying again.
    

So in sum, if you're going to see exactly one S&S movie, see a different one. If you're going to see all S&S movies, you'll have to get around to this one sooner or later, but try some of the classics first, so you have a good handle on the conventions of the genre. Then watch this one just for the sake of completeness. For anyone who doesn't fall into either category, um, I don't know whether to recommend this or not. I'll be happy to recommend it to anyone who agrees not to blame me when they decide they hate the thing.

Writing without a thesis

I'm not happy with this post. I was playing around with Blogspot's "Next Blog" button a few days ago and started collecting various items I ran across, hoping I could massage them all into another sort of "Found Objects" post. The main problem is that I don't really see a common thread among the stuff I collected, and what's more, I don't really have a lot to say about any of it. Even if I did, posting another "random tidbits" post so soon after the last one -- with cute animals in it, no less -- seems like cheating. It's too easy.

I figured that instead of just deleting this post-that-didn't-jell and discarding all of my, uh, hard work, I'd add a lame explanation/apology about how it came to be, and post the damn thing and be done with it. This thing isn't up to my usual high standards, and I'd like to think that other people would notice the difference as well. I'll try to do better next time, probably.

So first off, here are two pictures of cute cats, both of which link to their blogs of origin. I came across these in quick succession, and if I believed in fate I'd blather some nonsense about how I was somehow meant to cover these. Really all this tells us is that cats show up on personal blogs a lot, so the odds of running across two in close succession are pretty reasonable.



Another pseudo-fated item is an interesting blog titled "It's a numeric life", which I actually ran across twice during my little "Next Blog" excursion.

One curious observation: I was surprised by the sheer number of blogs in Portuguese, both from Portugal and Brazil. One I came across discussed (I think) the blogger's recent experiences at Carnaval in Rio. Unfortunately I lost the URL for that one. Probably wouldn't be safe for work anyway.

A small unordered list of other blogs I thought were interesting:

• No More Mister Nice Blog, a good political blog.
  
• studiosavant, a blog maintained by a group of sculptors up in Edmonton. One recent post marvels at the odd sculpture-related news you stumble across when you sign up for Google news alerts on the topic.
  
• TopEnd Tales, a photo blog from Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia.
  
• Food GPS, a food blog apparently from the SF area.
  
• Xooglers, a blog by+for ex-Google employees.
  

Here's the part where I insert a lame joke along the lines of "What rhymes with Xoogle? Koogle, of course". It's supposed to be funny because you'd be thinking "Google", the actual obvious choice, and then I go and spring "Koogle" on you, leaving you wondering what the heck a koogle is. Not a very good joke, is it?

Anyway, I'd go on to note that the Koogle I have in mind is not the "kosher search engine" by that name, but rather a peanut-butter-like concoction from the early 70's, which combined artificial "peanut butter" with various other artificial flavors, like vanilla, chocolate (both pictured below) or my personal favorite, cinnamon. Yes, I actually liked the stuff, I think I was the only person on earth who did, because it soon disappeared from grocery shelves without a trace. I remember meeting the Koogle mascot at a local grocery store, goo-goo-googly eyes and all, and I was heartbroken when my mom explained to me that Koogle was gone and there wasn't going to be any more. That was quite a difficult concept for a small child to grasp. Out of spite, I refused to eat anything containing cinnamon for a good while afterwards, because it wasn't the thing I really wanted.




Finally we get to an editorial cartoon I found, again linking to its blog of origin, which in this case is in Norwegian. I originally had this baby at the top of the page, but today I changed my mind. I think the Jesus-with-a-shotgun thing would give the whole post a sort of sour and shrill tone. I've done a lot of complaining about political and religious nuts lately, and I don't want it to seem as though I'm just droning on and on about it. But still, I think it's an ok cartoon, and here it is.